I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We're too hungover to prance.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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