I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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