I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You may now shotgun with the bride
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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