Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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