Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
