If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
