Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize