I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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