All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
