he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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