hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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