I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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