I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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