rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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