How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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