drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
