before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
