My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
