so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
