I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
