I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
It's never too late to be topless.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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