The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
