Sry I called you an 8
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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