so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
