apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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