Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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