you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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