fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
