don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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