Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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