Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Well I just put wine in my tea
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
