Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
