I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
