I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
