He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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