I have demons in me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
