I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
