my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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