guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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