Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
