tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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