I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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