my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize