Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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