i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
