Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
