I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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