Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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