I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
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