We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
