my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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