she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
