Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
And then he peed in my hair
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
