1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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