I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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