my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
