Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
