I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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