woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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