Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
