This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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