Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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