Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
