Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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