In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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