why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
