so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
