Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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